Eighty year old Mr. Smith was visiting his eighty-two year old friend Mr. Jones. Mrs. Jones walked into the room with a big plate of cookies and coffee. "Thank you, Honey Bun", replied Mr. Jones. Thirty minutes later, Mrs. Jones returned to remove the cookie plate and coffee mugs. "Oh, I could get that Sweetie Pie", said Mr. Jones. An hour later, Mrs. Jones poked her head into the room and asked the men if they needed anything else before she went to visit her friend. Mr. Jones replied, "No thank you, pumpkin." After Mrs. Jones departed, Mr. Smith said to Mr. Jones, "Man, I can't believe after sixty years of marriage, you still call your wife all those lovey-dovey names." Mr. Jones said, "I have to, I forgot her name twenty years ago."

On a typical Sunday morning, the parishioners at a Baptist church were
listening to the sermon. Suddenly there was thunder, lightning and the
earth began to quake. Right in front of the church appeared the devil.
Screaming with panic and horror, the congregation ran from the church.
All except for one little old man.

The devil roared at him. "BE AFRAID OF ME! AREN'T YOU
AFRAID OF ME?!"

The little old man just answered, "nope."

THE DEVIL RAGED AT THE LITTLE OLD MAN,
BREATHING FIRE AND GROWING IN SIZE.
"ARE YOU AFRAID OF ME NOW?!! "
BELLOWED THE DEVIL.

"Nope." said the little old man.

THE DEVIL WAS SO ANGRY BY THIS TIME,
THE CHURCH WALLS BEGAN TO FALL AROUND THEM.
WITH ALL THE ANGER AND HATRED THE DEVIL COULD
MUSTER, HE SCREAMED AT THE LITTLE OLD MAN,
"ARE YOU AFRAID OF ME NOW!!!!!!?"

"Nope" said the little old man. Been living with your sister for 48 years!

A Mormon acquaintance of Mark Twain's once drew him into an argument on the issue of polygamy. The Mormon spent a good bit of time justifying the practice and then he challenged Twain to cite any passage of Scripture that expressly forbids polygamy. "Nothing easier," replied Twain, " 'No man can serve two masters.' "

I'll bet my wife will like that one...

I know this isn't very politically correct but...


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" asked.
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I
haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight."
The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."